The Two Conversations Every Leader Has to Get Right
Have you ever walked out of a conversation and thought, well, that didn't go the way I intended?
Maybe it was a piece of feedback that landed sideways. Maybe you were genuinely trying to help someone and watched them get defensive instead. Maybe it was a conflict with a colleague that was supposedly about a deadline and somehow wasn't about the deadline at all.
I've been there, too. And after coaching leaders for nearly thirty years, here's the thing I keep coming back to. Communication doesn't break down because people are difficult. It breaks down because people are different.
We process information differently. We're motivated by different things. And under pressure, those differences only get louder. The mistake most of us make is assuming that because something works for us, it should work for everyone else.
That's the skill I've come to call Human Intelligence. It isn't about changing who you are. It's about becoming more intentional in how you show up for someone else. Noticing your own tendencies. Understanding theirs. And then adapting your approach on purpose, so the message you meant to send is actually the one they receive.
Two conversations test this more than any others: giving feedback, and navigating conflict. So I recorded a few short pieces on the practices that change how those go. Here are three of them.
We tend to think feedback is simply telling someone what they did well, or what they need to fix. But the feedback that actually lands has more than one gear.
Sometimes a person needs you to be direct and specific, with no guessing about what you expect. Sometimes they need encouragement first, a reason to believe they can improve. Sometimes they need you to get curious and listen before you rush to solve. And sometimes they just need the facts, offered calmly, without a verdict attached.
Here's what I love about that. Every one of those is a strength. And every one has a shadow side when it's overused. One leader I coached told me he'd had the same conversation with an employee three times. I asked him a single question. Were you giving that feedback the way you like to receive it, or the way they need to receive it? He went quiet. He said he'd never thought about it that way.
⬇️ WATCH: "Great Feedback Has Four Elements" (3 mins.)
Human Intelligence Practice #1. The four elements (Direct, Encouraging, Receptive, Objective) and the one question to ask before your next feedback conversation.
Before your next feedback conversation, ask yourself the question that changes it. Which of these does this person need most from me today?
Most of us prepare for the words. We rehearse our talking points, line up our examples, maybe even brace for the pushback. And we spend almost no time preparing for the human being on the other side of the table.
But people don't hear feedback through a neutral filter. They hear it through their own. Some want you to get straight to the point. Some need a little context first. Some need to know you're invested in them before they can take in a single word about what needs to change.
The message doesn't have to change. The way you deliver it does. That isn't manipulation; it's leadership. It's meeting someone where they are so they can actually receive what you came to say.
⬇️ WATCH: "Prepare for the Person"(4 mins.)
Human Intelligence Practice #2. The two-minute prep and the four questions to ask about the person before you prepare your talking points.
So, before the next conversation that matters, take two minutes for the person before you take any time on your script. I think you'll be surprised how much those two minutes change
When conflict shows up, most of us don't choose our response. We react. Our instinct takes over, shaped by years of experience and habit, before we've consciously decided anything at all.
That instinct usually isn't a flaw. It's often the very thing that's made us good at our work. The person who says let's deal with it and moves the team forward. The one who names what everyone else is thinking. The one who protects the relationship and keeps the group steady. The one who slows down and asks for the facts. Each of those is a gift. And each one, under pressure, comes with a cost. The problem-solver stops listening. The peacemaker avoids the conversation. The careful one turns a discussion into a cross-examination.
Human Intelligence isn't about changing your instinct. It's about recognizing the moment your instinct stops serving the conversation, and choosing what the moment actually needs instead.
⬇️ WATCH: "Know Your Conflict Instinct" (5 mins.)
Human Intelligence Practice #3. The four instincts (Assert, Express, Harmonize, Defend), each strength and its shadow side, and the question that helps you choose your response.
So, the next time conflict shows up, before you analyze the other person, notice yourself. What instinct am I leading with? And is it helping this conversation, or getting in its way?
None of these are communication techniques. They're leadership choices, and they live in the small moments, not the big ones. The conversation with someone who isn't performing the way you know they can. The one you've been putting off because you don't want to create tension. The recognition you keep meaning to give and haven't.
People rarely leave because of one hard conversation. They leave after a stretch of conversations where they didn't feel heard, or valued, or believed in. The good news is that the opposite is just as true. Every time you choose curiosity over assumption, or adapt to the person in front of you, or catch your own instinct and choose a better response, you build a little more trust. One conversation at a time.
Here's the question I'll leave you with. What's one conversation you've been avoiding? Don't think about how to get through it. Think about how to use it to make the relationship stronger.
If a few of these ideas gave you something to try, imagine what happens when you get to practice them alongside other people doing the same work.
That's why I built the Modern Manager Lab. It isn't another course to watch once and forget. It's a small group of managers, experienced leaders, and high-potential people practicing the real conversations they're already having every day, getting feedback, and trying again until the skill becomes a habit. Because confidence doesn't come from watching one more video, it comes from doing the reps.
If you'd like to keep building yours, come join us. You can learn more about the Modern Manager Lab HERE. Seats are LIMITED to 20, and we're filling up fast!
And until next time: be intentional, stay curious, and remember that communication doesn't break down because people are difficult. It breaks down because people are different. Human Intelligence is learning to honor those differences, one conversation at a time.
Tara Powers is the CEO and founder of Powers Resource Center, a leadership development firm that helps organizations build stronger leaders and more connected cultures. She has spent more than 25 years working with executives, developing managers, and having the human conversations that determine whether organizations thrive or stall.
If something in this piece describes what your organization is living right now, Tara would love to hear from you.
